Achieving Zen

Thankfully, I'm not overwhelmed as I was when I last posted here.  I still have plenty of reasons to feel overwhelmed, but I am not giving them space in my psyche.  I am a busy person, and I can only do what I can do.  I will do my best, and I will use my time wisely, but I will be peaceful in my efforts.

As I've said many times, worry and anxiety are wasted emotions.  I think achieving a zen like state or a state of peace and serenity can be reached in many ways.  ...sometimes through prayer, other times through meditation and quiet, sometimes in nature, and even times in music or art...

I started to feel a bit of anxiety earlier today.  I'm doing a webinar for hundreds of participants online this afternoon, and as usual, I'm not as prepared as I'd like to be.  I just finished making edits to the presentation an hour ago, and my pre-meeting is in one hour - the webinar starts in 2.  I haven't been through the entire content yet as a dry run, and I've never done a webinar before, so I don't really know exactly what to expect.

I do know that due to the group size, it won't be interactive, which is what I rely on quite a bit when I present.  I like to build interest in the topics I discuss by asking questions and hearing from the participants.  Since that isn't the case here, I will basically be lecturing for an hour.

I don't love presenting, but I know it's good for my career, and I also like to share what I've learned with others.  The more I do it, the less I mind it, but still, it's one of those things that I'm never 100% comfortable with because I never have enough time to prepare as one should.

I was in a public speaking training a few years back, and the coach suggested that you should rehearse a presentation up to 20 times before giving it live.  I'm lucky if I can get one full run through, let alone more than that.

Still, I stopped my anxiety from rising.  I'm good at what I do.  I know my subject matter.  If I don't talk for a full hour, that is fine too.  In the scheme of life, this, like most things, is not a big deal...at all...

I want to fit it all in - work, school, play, music, art, tv show, fitness....and sometimes I'm not able to.  Sometimes I can only do my best.  That is okay.  This life of ours is very short, and we only get one shot to make it count.  You are in charge of your own attitude.  Do not let stress or negativity poison your wonderful stay here on earth. 

:)

Overwhelmed

It's hard not to feel overwhelmed sometimes.  I have a high capacity for work and stress, but even I feel overwhlemed...sometimes.  Today is one of those days.  I have a mountain of work to do, homework that is past due, classes to register for, holiday flights I need to book, presentations I need to plan, a CD to follow up on (because the ball keeps getting dropped!)...and honestly, if I wasn't feeling under the weather, I don't think I'd even notice.

Most days I have a million things to do, and that's just how I roll, but when I'm feeling sick and tired, it just feels like it's all too much.  Life is short, and I try to fit it all in.  I do choose joy, and I choose vitality, but sometimes I wish I could take a break from myself.  I look at the way some other people life, going to work a fairly mindless job, coming home, doing errands, having dinner, watching tv, doing stuff around the house on the weekends, and that's the gig - sometimes I think that would be a nice way to live...but I know I just don't have it in me.

I have too much to say, to express...too much ADHD possibly - LOL...  I may just be destined for a very busy life, and even though I'm busy, I still always find time for me as well, because balance is so important.  On a day like today, however, I just wish I could take a pass, clear my busy little brain, and have things a little less complicated.

That's not going to happen, though, and I know I'm only feeling that way because I don't feel well and I'm tired, and I have so much to do, so rather than continuing to feel overwhelmed, I'm going to make a list of everything I need to do for work and home and school and everything else, and I'm going to finish everything on that list today.  I'm not going to go to bed until it's all done.

That's my plan.  Having a plan already makes me feel like I can breathe.  Ahhhh....

...al...most....there......

I met with my academic advisors yesterday, and we spent a looong time going over all my credits and looking at all the courses/requirements I still need to complete to finish.  I switched my major 10 times (at least), so as a result, some of the classes I took just didn't fit into any slots - others had expired - and others I managed to take multiple times because I was never very organized about my approach to completing.

I really didn't care.  I just knew I should be in school and at some point, I was bound to finish.  Apparently, it takes slightly more planning.  LOL.  It's just been such an after/after/after/after thought of mine.  Anyway, we compared my expertise and knowledge base to my remaining requirements, and apparently, I only have 2 classes left. 

I've known I was close for a while, but without having an organized approach, it could have taken me another decade or so.  As long as those 2 classes are available during the winter intensive session, I will be done with my classes in January.  After that, I'll need to prepare porfolio upon portfolio to satisfy all the other requirements.  They have warned me that these projects are very labor intensive, but I have a feeling it won't be so bad.

I can't apply for graduation until all of my portfolios have been submitted, and I have to apply for graduation 6 months before it actually happens, so the Good Lord only knows when that will be, but the important thing here is that I'm almost done.

I'm thinking of really shooting for the stars and getting a substandard graduate degree next.  Watch out!

Working for the weekend

I haven't been used to working in the same office 5 days/week, and it's been an adjustment for me.  I have always worked long hours, but I've had the flexibility to work from home or Panera bread or from any number of offices...  I feel very restricted in this regimented schedule, and I just need to make it work for me.  It's the reality of my life for the next few years.

For the first time in years, I am religiously looking forward to the weekend, because I equate the weekend with freedom.  Monday - Friday, I have to be in the office early every morning, put in about a 10 hr day, get home, work out, do homework, sometimes do more work, and then watch tv.  What a horridly boring existance!!  It's depressing!  I don't know how the workforce puts up with this. 

So I've joined the ranks of those working for the weekend.  I've written off Monday - Friday afternoon as wasted life, and I pin all my hopes on Friday night - Sunday night...but even though I don't have to be in the office on the weekend, I still have to work and do homework, and run errands, and pay bills, and get the house in order, and work out, and it's just a never ending cycle of soul draining activities.

There really is a point here about choosing joy...  LOL

I need to stop looking at my life in those terms.  If all the things I spend my time on are soul draining, I need to think about if that's the best way I should be spending my time.  I know I have to work, but maybe I don't need to work so many hours.  I know I need to work out, but maybe if I worked out in the AM before work, I wouldn't feel like my whole night was taken up.  I have to finish school (even though I think it's silly), but I should set aside specific times I do homework, so that I don't have a little bit hanging over my head every night.

I haven't been able to work on any of my projects lately, and I'm disappointed about that.  This is the stuff I enjoy, and I need to get my office ready, so that when I go home from work, I can do the things that do feed my soul.  I also want to plan to do more fun things during the week, like having people over for dinner, going out to eat, going to the movies, and other things that will break up the time.  Sure, I have to get up early every day, and I have to follow the same routine, but if I limit work to even 9 hours/day, and I spend 11 sleeping, working out, getting ready and winding down, I still have 4 hours that I can use for me time.

I don't want to work for the weekends anymore.  I want to start making each day a good one!

Self portrait

Things are moving along with the TV show.  I'm trying to get a TM on "choosing joy," but it may not be available, so I"m exploring other options - Joy is a Choice, etc...  Kitty is working with me to register possible domain names that I may want, and she's also going to be working on the logo, etc...

It's just one of many projects that I have to do, but as my office gets closer and closer to being finished, I'm going to have more time and space to work on all of this...stuff!

Tomorrow, the closet should be finished, which means I can figure out what I need to store, what I need actively around me, and what additional desks/surfaces will fit with the closet installed.  I can't wait to get my area organized again.  It's making me crazy.

I hung my pictures this weekend, and the internet is set up with a temporary fix for now, but everything is still a mess, and I don't like it. 

Tomorrow, after the closet is done, I'm going to do my best to get the office in order.  I believe we are having company tomorrow night, so I'm not sure if I can fit it all in, but I'm going to try!